


Full Moon Nights of 1981

by flaggermousse



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1981 was not a good year in the Wizarding World, Angst, Break Up, Established Relationship, First War with Voldemort, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, Post-Break Up, Werewolves, several deaths happening in the background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24293836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flaggermousse/pseuds/flaggermousse
Summary: A collection of scenes during the last year of the First Wizarding War.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 64





	Full Moon Nights of 1981

  * **January 6 th**



The worst thing about the long winter nights was how the full moon rose early. At 3’o clock the sky was steadily growing darker above the trees. It was an old forest. Far enough from any village that it had been left to grow in peace; the trees fell without anyone clearing the paths, and the animals did not fear human visitors the way they usually ought to. Remus warmed his hands on the thermos, as he watched the black dog run around searching the area. They had used this place several times now, but better safe than sorry. Padfoot ran towards him and changed back into Sirius.

“Can’t smell any other humans but us. It’s alright.”

“Good.”

“There are some hares here though, if we get hungry.”

Remus smiled weakly and handed him the thermos. The inhabitants of the forest might be keeping an eye on the two interlopers, but they did so quietly. The snowy, idyllic place was so silent, so still, they could almost forget that the war was raging.

“I hope the others are alright.”

“Yeah.” Sirius downed the last of the chocolate and put the thermos down. “They seemed pretty on edge when they sent for us.”

It wasn’t unusual with trouble on the Tube, but normally it was problems with the trains. Not sudden black fog flooding the underground; trapping the passengers and hiding the ones casting curses. Half a dozen muggles had died before the Order got involved. Instead of joining in, the two of them had left London and headed north. Remus sighed. “I wish there were something we could do.”

Sirius wrapped an arm around him. “If- if they need all hands on deck, they _can’t_ plan to fight on full moon nights.”

“No one could have _planned_ for that attack to happen.”

“No. But they got Pete, Fabian, Gideon, Benjy- more than half the Order were heading there already. They’ll handle it.” It sounded like Sirius was trying to reassure himself as much as Remus; he had never liked leaving the fighting to others. He shrugged, and the arm around Remus' waist relaxed a bit more. “ _You_ wouldn’t be much help there anyway.”

The thought of running wild through London, a danger to his comrades and any human unfortunate enough to be out on the streets, was not appealing. Remus shook his head. “No, but perhaps _you_ -”

Sirius cut him off with a kiss. There was still a lingering taste of chocolate on his mouth. The warmth of their breaths mingled in the air when he pulled away.

“I do whatever the Order needs me to do the rest of the month. But these nights, you need me more.”

* * *

  * **February 18 th **



Remus took one last puff of the cigarette before handing it over to Sirius. The embers glowed red in the darkening afternoon. This month, at least, no one needed them.

The last attack had dug another hole in the Order, but this week had been strangely quiet. Perhaps the enemy was satisfied for the moment, after the murders in Oxford. Remus hadn’t known Samuel Benwick very well; he had been a very quiet man, barely speaking at Order-meetings. He had died fighting to protect his family. Once they’d killed him, the Death Eaters had slaughtered his wife and their three children. The walls had been covered in blood when the Order arrived on the scene.

“... do you think Moody’s right?”

Sirius took a long drag, before letting the smoke flow out of his mouth like a dragon. Then he turned to look at Remus. “About what?”

“That one of us is ... working for _them?_ ”

“Moody’s just being Moody.”

True, Moody never trusted anyone. He might actually be starting to get paranoid, but still ... maybe he was right. Could someone in the order be leaking information? Betray everything they had fought for these last years?

“How did they know where Benwick and his family were? They had changed hiding places two times the last-”

“Let’s not get paranoid.” Sirius stumped the cigarette in the snow and reached for a new one.

Remus let the issue drop, but no new topics of conversation came to him. They sat quietly, smoking together until the sun started slipping away beyond the horizon.

* * *

  * **March 20 th **



Remus shivered. Spring had started to show, but as the evening darkened, it grew colder. The other werewolves were either used to the cold, or hid it better. Most of them were worse dressed than him, probably unable to afford anything better. Remus wondered if this was what he would have become, if he hadn’t been allowed to go to Hogwarts. As the war was raging, there had been little time to find employment, but two jobs had sacked him when they had figured out that his absences lined up with the lunar cycle. The flat he lived in belonged to Sirius, but if something happened ... would he find himself sleeping outside, unable to afford a roof over his head?

He hadn’t told Sirius what he was doing. If he had, his boyfriend might have done something stupid to prevent him from leaving. The row they had had over Remus not telling him what the mission entailed still rang in his ears.

 _“It’s bad enough that you’re not telling me_ where _you’re going, but you cannot be away till Sunday, the damn moon is this Friday!”_

_“I’ll handle it, and Dumbledore -”_

_“Dumbledore_ knows _about your problem! He shouldn’t be giving you missions this time of the month!”_

But Remus owed Dumbledore so much. Dumbledore had let him become a student at Hogwarts; almost everything Remus had could be traced back to that one kindness. Remus was the only one who could get close to the wolf packs; they couldn’t ask anyone else to take that kind of risk. He had to do it.

When the moon began the rise, he hoped that they were far enough into the wilderness that they couldn’t harm anyone.

* * *

  * **April 19 th **



The cut ran all the way from the ankle to the knee, and a good part of the trouser-leg and a bit of the boot had been left behind as well. The remaining fabric were a deep red, but at least the bleeding had stopped. It was fortunate that they were in the habit of bringing a healing kit in case one of them got hurt during the night. Remus finished tightening the bandages around Sirius’ damaged leg.

“... you- you really should leave. You shouldn’t stay here with me when-”

Sirius’ smile was strained. “And let you run around here alone?”

It was just teasing, but it still stung a little. Of course the werewolf shouldn’t run around alone. The pack up in the North gathered as far into the wilderness as they could, but in these parts of the country, there were few places that far from human habitation. Remus rattled the chains he had already tied to great oak they sat under.

“I brought these along, in case you didn’t make it.”

Sirius stared at the chains. “Put those away, Moony.” He got to his feet. Leaning on the tree, he tried to stand on the damaged leg. “It’s just going to be a bit of a limp, I can still handle you. That’s what I get for Apparating here in a hurry.

“Where were you?”

“Order business. We were just supposed to be checking out the place, but then _five_ of them turned up.”

Remus hesitated. “Did anyone ...”

“Thorne got her arm blown off. She’ll make it, but she won’t be fighting anytime soon. They’re patching her up at St.Mungo now.”

It was a sobering thought that a mission that _only_ resulted in permanent injury could be seen as one of the most successful in weeks. They had been fighting for years now, and it only seemed to be getting worse. They lost two battles for every one they won; if this kept going, they were going to lose the war as well.

Sirius voice broke Remus out of his thoughts: “One of us is leaking information.”

The first sliver of the moon appeared over the horizon. Remus wanted to ask if they really were sure, if they knew who it could be, who they could trust now – but all that came out of his mouth was a growl.

* * *

  * **May 19 th **



As spring progressed, the days grew longer and the nights warmer. Remus was accepted back with the werewolves, though some of them had wondered where he had been the month before. He lied that he had some friends help to lock him up during the April moon. One-eyed Silas had smiled bitterly. _“They won’t be your friends for long. Everyone leaves eventually.”_

There were whispers among some of the younger ones about how they ought to use force; overthrow this society that shunned them. Remus wondered if these vague, bloody plans were something they had figured out themselves, or if someone had put the idea in their heads. For now, it seemed to be only talk. He hoped it stayed that way.

It was depressing up in the north, listening to the hurt and bitterness of his fellows, but at the moment, home wasn’t that much cheerier. Two days before he left, Blyth had disappeared. She had just walked out of her flat and no one had seen her since. Even without a body, there was little doubt she was dead. Sirius hadn’t liked the idea of Remus leaving for some unknown place any better than he did last month. They had argued about, but the day Remus left, Sirius hadn’t been angry. He had seemed worried ... and something else Remus didn’t want to place.

Lately there had been a cold distrust slowly building. It seeped in from the risky missions and fruitless meetings of the Order into their home, and they hadn’t managed to dispel it. They were both scared and stressed, but they loved each other. Families all over Britain were dealing with the same but kept going. James and Lily still seemed like a rock-solid unit when last he saw them, while he and Sirius ... If the war was making cracks in what they had together, had it ever been strong enough to last?

Perhaps the war was only hurrying what had always been inevitable. After all, who would want to be with someone like him? Among the pack, there were few that had much contact with ordinary people. Sarah’s husband had left her and their daughter Rebecca because he couldn’t handle his family becoming monsters once a month. Jane had been thrown out on the street by her parents after her first transformation nearly killed them.

This loosely formed pack was the closest they had to friends. Some of them almost seemed to look forward to the full moons. Remus didn’t. He wanted to go home. Or at least, what home had felt like a before, when things hadn’t been so bleak.

* * *

  * **June 17 th**



Rain thundered on the roof of the old cottage, but inside the silence was uncomfortably heavy. They had been far from town when the rain surprised them, but the long abandoned cottage offered some shelter, despite the holes in the roof. 

Padfoot had curled up under an old table; wet fur was more comfortable than wet clothes. Remus did not have the luxury of changing at will, so he just waited. He felt so tired. Each week people disappeared or turned up dead. Each day Remus woke up he wondered if he’d live to see the evening. There Order was bleeding, shrinking for each meeting. Hornby and Smith had died on the last mission, but Sirius had somehow managed to escape by the skin of his teeth. Sirius had grown up with the pureblood supremacy since was born, his own brother died as a Death Eater ...

Remus shook his head. He was starting to become paranoid, who could he trust if not Sirius? Sirius loved him, Sirius would die for him, Sirius had exposed Remus deepest secret and almost made him a murderer at sixteen, just for a prank-

Remus banged his head against the wall. He felt ashamed. They had to stand together to get through this. Yet he was starting to second-guess everyone in the Order, and he wasn’t the only one.

He knew Sirius and Peter had been talking. Of course they’d suspect him. He was a dark creature; it was natural for them to fear him. It had been a fluke, sheer dumb luck, that he’d even befriended them. They had been kids, not understanding the danger. They had stood by him, broken the law for him. Remus wanted to ask Sirius if he regretted it, but the words were frozen inside him.

Summer was here, but Remus felt cold.

* * *

  * **July 17 th**



When Remus arrived at the Shrieking Shack, the black dog was there waiting for him. He didn’t run over and slobber all over him, and when he changed back to a human, Sirius didn’t kiss him. They stood there, awkward in the light of the setting sun. Remus sighed.

“What are you doing here?”

“What do you think?”

It had been less than a week since Remus had packed his things and moved out; he couldn’t bare the damn distrust that had become a barrier between them any longer. His new flat was small and the creaking door could not possibly keep a grown werewolf locked inside for a full night. Without any companion, he didn’t want to risk running free in the wilderness, so that left the Shack. Dumbledore had told him it was always available if Remus should need it.

“I can handle this myself.”

“But you shouldn’t have to! The whole reason we became Animagi was to help you through it, to keep you company.” Sirius made a frustrated growl. “If I knew James or Pete was with you, then sure, but you haven’t asked them for help, have you?”

No, Remus hadn’t asked them. James was in hiding, he shouldn’t be running around with Remus all night. And he couldn’t expect a rat to handle a wolf alone. Sirius bit his lip.

“Do you want me to leave?”

There were so many things Remus wanted. He wanted to scream at Sirius, yell that he should go away; he shouldn’t be here with Remus out of pity and obligation. He wanted to kiss him; he wanted to be back in his arms, together without all this suspicion. He wanted to be 17 again, when this had been a meeting place before going on adventures, his friends turning those horrible nights into something wonderful. The Shack had been a hellish place the first four years, when he had torn himself to pieces in solitude. He hadn’t been back here since they graduated, and he did not relish the thought of meeting it again alone.

Remus shook his head, and led the way inside.

* * *

  * **August 15 th**



Sirius showed up at the Shack again, the next moon. A faint smell of whiskey clung to him, but Remus didn’t comment on it. They didn’t talk much at all before the moon came up. When the sun rose, Remus found himself on the floor with Padfoot snuggled beside him, but when he stirred, the black dog got up to give him space. Sirius handed him the clothes they had put away before the transformation, and paced around house while Remus got dressed. The quiet awkwardness of the last evening still hung in the air.

“I’ll see you around with the Order, then.”

“You don’t – next moon, you don’t need to come.”

They had broken up, Remus had moved out, and with everything going on with the Order, they had barely seen each other the last month. It was difficult, trying to go back to just being friends, when suspicion was still eating away at them. But the moons at least, they still shared. Sirius stared at him. When he opened his mouth, it was obvious he wanted to protest, so Remus cut him off: “I – I won’t be here the next – maybe not even the one after that. I don’t want you to wait here for nothing.”

“But – alright. ”

This time he did not demand to know what was going on. They left the Shack and walked towards Hogsmeade together. Several of the shops were closed down now; the owners were in hiding, on the run, or worse. They stopped beside the Hog’s Head, and just stood there in the morning sun, dragging out the awaited farewells. Remus felt he needed to say something more. Marlene and her whole family had been ripped away less than a month ago. What if something happened while he was gone up North? What if this was the last time they spoke?

But he couldn’t find the proper words to say. He settled on a simple “Goodbye” that Sirius returned, and then they went their separate ways.

* * *

  * **September 14 th **



The pack that met up at full moon nights didn’t stick together the rest of the month. It was easier to hide when the groups were smaller, so when Remus traveled north weeks before that night he had to seek the others out to hear their stories and try to find any useful information.

Rebecca had been only four when her big brother had died trying to protect her from the wolf. After that night Rebecca became the beast, and it hadn’t taken long before she managed to bite her mother Sarah. Now five years later, Sarah almost seemed to enjoy the transformations. She often mumbled to herself that she had told her husband to join them, but he had fled. They knew little of what was happening out in the world. Sarah's mind was starting to deteriorate, and little Rebecca was struggling to be her mother’s guardian.

Remus shared some money with the two before he left them. He hadn’t taken much with him, but it seemed like he had more than any of the others. James had insisted on helping him out after the break-up. Sirius had offered it first, but Remus had refused. It had seemed wrong to leech on him after leaving. In the end Sirius had let it go, but Remus wasn’t entirely sure he hadn’t run straight to James and asked him to help instead.

Remus supposed he was fortunate, having good friends. Most of the other werewolves were alone. He paid young Jane, not for a night’s company, but for any information on Death Eaters. She didn’t know much, but she was glad for a break. The only words he got from one-eyed Silas were threats that Remus should “mind his own business.” Old man Gus noticed things. But he only talked when he had something to drink.

“Yeh, I’ve seen em. There have been some of them death-eaters paying visits.” Gus tried handing the half-empty whiskey bottle back to Remus, but he shook his head.

“What do they want?”

“What do you think?” Gus laughed, pleased that he got to keep the rest of the whiskey to himself. “Recruit us! That’s damn stupid, fighters he could only bring once a month. Fighters that are as likely to attack his own men as the enemy. It won’t work.” He took another swig from the bottle and sighed. “Some of the young ones, they think it might get better for us, if he wins.”

“What do you think?”

“Hmf. I figure we’ll be at the bottom no matter who’s on top.”

The bottle was empty before the moon rose.

* * *

  * **October 13 th **



It was isolating, staying with the pack. The last owl Remus had sent to Dumbledore found him again a couple of days before the October moon. It brought the news that Fabian and Gideon had died. The two brothers had been brave, funny blokes, idolized by all their little nephews. Remus had liked them. Now they were gone. All his friends were either fighting or hiding, anyone could die while he was running through the North like a beast.

The pack was not exempt from loses either. They found what had been Silas floating in the lake they usually met up by. They left the body there; there was no time to bury it before the moon came, and left out in the open they might start eating the remains during the night. Gus didn’t show up. No one was close to him, and not hearing anything for two weeks was normal, but missing the full moon ...

“He’s dead too.” Jane told Remus. “I’m sure he is. He’s always joined us for the moon.”

If that was the case, Remus wondered what had happened. Gus had been old; tired of a hard life, perhaps he just didn’t wake up one day, and lay stiff and cold under a tree somewhere. Or maybe he had gotten into trouble. Had _Remus_ gotten him into trouble, by asking too many questions?

He had spent several moons with his own kind now, and had little to show for it. The enemy was recruiting, maybe killing, and Remus had not been able to stop them. He wanted to go home. To see his friends again, maybe even finding a way to reconcile with Sirius. He wanted this war to be over.

* * *

  * **November 11 th **



Remus knew better than anyone that the Shrieking Shack wasn’t haunted, but it seemed to be full of ghosts now. Everywhere he looked, he could see glimpses of his friends; Peter balancing over the broken-down handrail with tiny rat-feet, James droning on and on about Lily’s smile while they waited for the moon to rise, Sirius –

The grief pierced Remus again, stabbing him with a pain so real it was a wonder he wasn’t bleeding. He hadn’t wanted to go back to a place filled with so many memories. But the grief was so overwhelming; he had been so lost in it that he had almost, for the first time since he could remember, forgotten the night of the full moon. Suddenly, there had been no time to find other places. He barely had energy to get up in the morning, he had none for searching out forests to make sure they were isolated enough to prevent any run-ins with humans.

In the Shack, at least people were safe from him.

He felt like dying too. Perhaps he would, the wolf got worse when he already was in pain. Perhaps he’d tear up something important and bleed to death alone. There wasn’t anyone left to make sure he was alright now.

But when the sun rose again, he was still alive.

* * *

  * **December 11 th **



The old cellar was cold and damp, but at least the chains that held the doors together ought to be enough. Remus tested them several times, tried to tear them off, but they stayed. Only a spell could release them now. He had found the old house a week ago. Since the last moon, he had searched for a new place to transform. The Shack was too full of memories, and open forests no longer felt safe without any companion to keep him in check.

Most of the death eaters had been caught; some were locked up and others waited for their trial. The Order was no longer needed; the peace they had fought for was finally here. But Remus did not manage to enjoy it. He started removing his clothes, placing them and his wand in a broken locker. He fastened other chain he had brought with him to one of the support beams holding the roof up.

Harry had been sent to live with Lily’s sister. What little he knew of this sister was that she didn’t appreciate magic. Remus hoped the kid would be alright there. No one but Dumbledore and a few others knew the address, so Remus had no way of checking up on him. It was probably for the best. He had failed Lily and James, what could he do to help their child.

He had been blind, not seeing the spy in their midst. Remus was the one who shared Sirius’ bed for the last four years, if anyone could figure it out, it should have been _him_. Even when they broke it off and Remus moved out, he hadn’t _done_ anything else. Hadn’t shared his suspicions with anyone. If he had, then maybe ...

Maybe ...

But he had loved Sirius too much, and not wanted to see. Some broken part of him loved him still, and Remus hated himself for it. If it had been him that tracked Sirius down, not Peter ... would Sirius have killed him too? James had been a brother to Sirius and still he had let him die. They had been friends throughout school, no one worked for years to master dangerous illegal magic for a friend if they didn’t care at least a _little_ bit. It _had_ to have been real at some point; it couldn’t all have been lies. Remus just didn’t know when it all had changed.

He measured out the chain to make sure he could reach his wand and free himself once he was human again. Then he fastened it around his leg, wrapped his blanket around his shoulders and sat down to wait. He had cried so much it occasionally felt like the well had gone dry. Then some small detail – a name in the paper, the smell of cigarettes, or the sound of a dog barking – would set it off again.

Many people had lost their loved ones in this war, Remus wasn’t special. He had to try and pick up the pieces and move on, but to what? The life that stretched ahead of him seemed be an endless row of lonely days.

When the moon rose, it was almost a relief.

**Author's Note:**

> I made this just so I could write July and August, and then it became an experiment that took way longer than I thought it would.  
> Stuff I pondered while working on this:
> 
> When Moody shows Harry the photograph of the original Order of the Phoenix, he mentions the fates of the following members:
> 
> Edgar Bones: “they got him and his family too, he was a great wizard...”  
> Benjy Fenwick: “he copped it too, we only ever found bits of him…"  
> Dorcas Meadowes: “Voldemort killed her personally … “  
> Gideon and Fabian Prewett: “it took five Death Eaters to kill [Gideon] and his brother Fabian, they fought like heroes…”  
> Caradoc Dearborn: “disappeared six months after the photograph, we didn't ever find his body..."  
> Marlene McKinnon: “she was killed two weeks after this was taken, they got her whole family.”
> 
> We can timestamp Marlene’s death due to Lily’s letter from ca August 1981 mentioning “the news about the McKinnons”. Then that means all Order members we know the names of died after July 1981 then. If Caradoc Dearborn disappeared six months after July, he actually disappeared as late as January 1982, so were these things still happening then apparently? (or it could be JKs math being off)
> 
> Since the first war started (and the Order formed) in the early 1970s, I assume there were more people in the Order, that died before that photograph were taken. Because no deaths from 1970 till 1981 and then all of the deaths in those last months seems strange. Since I couldn’t kill of any canon Order members before July, so I had to pick some names so more people could die in the background. Like you do.


End file.
